As a young child, I remember being an adventurous, bold, care-free, daring, extroverted girl who loved being around people.

From the time I was sixteen until my mid twenties, I would describe myself as a shy, extremely self-conscious, reserved, introverted, fearful, and anxious homebody who preferred her own company.

What happened to bring about such a change? Well, in the fourth grade, I remember realizing for the first time that I was bigger than my classmates, and I don’t mean in height. To be frank, I discovered through the teasing of others that I was fat, and I came to the conclusion that fat was bad, that fat needed to be hidden, that I should be ashamed of myself.

Once I discovered that I was fat, I took that on as my identity. I became so ashamed of myself that I began to hide from people. I went to school, because I had to, but I stopped going to family gatherings. I wouldn’t even go into a store because I thought everyone would be looking at me in disgust, judging me, and/or laughing at me. I even got teased at church, so I stopped going. I was afraid and paranoid to try new things because I figured since I was fat, there was no room for me or that I wouldn’t fit. Also, in my mind, no one wanted to be around me. They might tolerate me, but they didn’t want or need me. Year by year, the level of shame I felt for myself grew.

When I got saved at the age of 16, as a senior in high school, the only thing that changed was that I switched from consuming fantasy and romance novels to consuming the Bible. I still held on to my identity as someone to be ashamed of, someone to be laughed at and ridiculed. I knew that God didn’t laugh at me, but I honestly thought He just put up with me because He had to.

About 10 years later, my former pastor, Rev Charles Hart, said these words to me: “Keacha, God loves you.” Honestly, that was a mind blowing statement for me. So mind blowing in fact, that I didn’t believe it. As a matter of fact, I think it would have been easier for me to believe aliens or unicorns existed than to believe that God loved me. For some reason, it was easy for me to believe that God was good, so salvation was easy to accept, but a God who loved me, unconditionally? Well, that was a hard concept to grasp. Yet, everything in me really wanted to grasp it, because IF it was true, then everything for me would change. The next day, after Pastor Hart made that statement, I decided to accept by faith that God loved me, and change started happening for me almost instantaneously! I can’t describe the mental and emotional weight that just fell off of me once I began to accept and believe in the love of God for me.

Psalm 94:18-19 says, “When I said, ‘My foot is slipping’, your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.”

Those verses became so REAL to me. The acceptance of the Lord’s unfailing love for me became my saving grace. Knowing that He was there for me in the dark and tough times, not because He had to be, but because He wanted to be, gave me such peace and confidence. The joy of the Lord truly did exterminate anxiety within me and I began to walk in the kind of courage that was birthed out of love rather than necessity.

I discovered a song on Youtube recently that perfectly describes my transformation: Some of the words go like this:

“I walked out of my grave clothes, and I came out in a new robe, I was buried there for too long, now I come alive in the One who has conquered it all… He breathed in me, made these dry bones come alive.,,, He slayed my giants and He crushed my enemies, closed the mouth of the lion, and because He did it, I can do it too…”. HERE is the link to the whole song if you are interested.

In short, I was born a lioness, but life made me retreat instead of taking territory like lions do. I lived life toothless and clawless. In short, I was useless. I was supposed to strike terror into the heart of the enemy, instead, he was rejoicing that one of God’s daughters didn’t know who she was. Well, LOVE CHANGED THAT! His love changed that! I accepted that He accepted and loved me, even desired my company. My teeth and my claws re-appeared. Actually, they were always there, I just didn’t see them or utilize them!

I have embraced the courage and adventure of child-likeness. I still love my own company, but I also love people now, and He has given me the ability to have a healthy dose of both in my life. I don’t look at people as the enemy anymore, but as my brothers and sisters in Christ or my future brothers and sisters in Christ. Even if I am rejected because of my weight by some, I no longer let it stop me from living, loving, and serving. I’ve been on multiple missions trips and led ministries where I had to be up front and bold, and even when old anxieties about my identity vexed me, I continued to show up.

If you are reading this and you don’t identify yourself as a daughter or son of God, living life out of that identity, then I want to encourage you today. God LOVES YOU, and His love is not just something that you accept in order to get the “feel goods” even though His love DOES FEEL GOOD. No, His love is a catalyst to push you into the plan and purpose for life that He has for you. His love is your confidence and courage. His love is your peace in the storm and strength to endure. His love is your shield against fear and anxiety. With His love, you win! And, with the change that His love brings, you become His reflection to the world, creating a hunger and thirst for Him in others!

Changed by Love